Ok...here's the deal. I ran Friday morning, lost my mind Friday during the day and ate like a pig (I posted that...about the crawfish). Here's the part you don't know...I went out Friday night and ate the same thing at the same place. Didn't run Sunday...ate like a pig.
Monday--Got up ready to run, couldn't find my stopwatch (not an ESSENTIAL piece of equipment...convenient not at all essential) and talked myself into not running. Ate like a pig.
Tuesday--Didn't run...ate like a pig.
The guilt from all of this is overwhelming. I don't know if I am putting too much pressure on myself saying that I MUST run a half in January. Maybe I should set a goal of a smaller race or a half a little farther out...or no goal at all...I don't know. Everything I've read in Runners World and those kiind of publications encourage you to pick a race and strive for it. That way, you're not just "running", you're running with a certain goal in mind.
I got up this morning and decided to weigh, just to see what kind of damage had been done. I am up to 208 pounds. I started at 211 and had gotten down to 205...now I'm back up to 208. THAT almost sent me back to bed this morning, but I just said "Hey FatGirl, do you want to gain it ALL back? Then get out and run."
I don't know if it is the depression that comes a week before my...well you know. I have posted this before, but I have severe pms. I have no patience, I am grumpy, I get anxiety and/or depression (not like a severe depression, more like a solemness, and I am less tolerant of myself than normal). I am on a special diet that was designed by Debra Hope-Reisedel, a dietician especially for PMS. It works, but not if you don't adhere to it.
Well, there it all is. That's what has been going on with me. Here's what I know but not what I feel: This is a small part of a long journey, you cannot pull a fatgirl off of the couch, stick her in some running shoes and expect that she will not make any mistakes. Keep running, it's going to work itself out in the end.
OH YEAH...I ALMOST FORGOT:
I RAN THIS MORNING. I did my "run 1:30/ walk 2:45". It was hard but I finished. Good job FatGirl!
3 comments:
I agree with RW that if you set a goal like a 1/2 marathon you will strive for it, but January seems so far away! Are there any races that you could aim for, even shorter distances, that would help you take baby steps?
Just an idea!
Good Luck!
Don't become discouraged. I agree that maybe you should try to find a race that is closer ( a 5 or 10k) to start at. Once you finish your first race, no matter how small, you will see what you're capable of and only want to do more.
Please know that you're not alone in what you are going through. You have no idea how many times I have started a good program only to give up when I felt down or got busy. There will be more of these times, but the good news is, even after all that, you still went out and ran and that's something you wouldn't have done 2 months ago!
Keep up the good work!
Oh dear! You have been having a bad time of it, but at least you're picking yourself up and working through it. In the end, its all we can do - just take a deep breath and start again.
For what its worth, I find it hard to motivate myself sometimes too, especially if its PMT time. Its not always easy, and theres absolutely no crime in not managing to get out there every day. The worse thing you can do, honestly, is beat yourself up over things. That really will make you feel worse.
You can do it - we believe in you!
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